Golly – I have walked alongside three children (Charlie, Alexander and Charlotte) as they write their final end of school Matric exams – and each walk could not have been more different!
I am currently with Charlotte. She has written 7 exams thus far – plenty to go. She has a time table neatly set out. Each day a ‘to do’ list is planned, against which are boxes to be ticked. And each day those boxes ARE ticked! She is up early, goes for a run and is diligently at her desk by 8.00am. She is attending the extra classes on offer; she sees her friends enough to remain connected and happy; and she will not allow me to distract her … at all. I am astounded by watching this purposefulness in action. My role is to ensure good food and good coffee . Also, I have been given very strict instructions to NOT give her tips and advice on how to approach her studies, and not to ‘cluck’ over her as would a mother hen. Should I not obey, I run the risk of shattering our beautifully calm space – I then ‘over try’ and that just sends Charlotte into orbit!
I tell you this, because I have also experienced a very different version of the above in approaching these exams. Charlie, our eldest, was suspended from school the day before his first. Until I arrived on the scene (this was at boarding school) he was removed from his House and put under the strict care of one of the wonderful matrons. He was allowed out for a daily run – and then had to stay in his room and only saw a friend if they worked with him. This was in fact brilliant as it was the first time that he really got down to study at all. He then was under my roof. There certainly was no timetable – and there was a rather constant flow of groans and complaints about ‘studying’. His irritableness around work was a great excuse to actually not study at all. Yes – complaining is another successful form of effective procrastination.
As I write this, I can now see that Charlie was perhaps far more anxious than we understood him to be at the time. He knew what he needed to do, but just did not have the confidence in his ability to get going. The fun and games was because he was frightened to even start and he probably felt that he had left it all too late – and so why bother now?
As a parent, I did what I do best. I provided him with a supply of exciting vitamins that promised amazing focus and clarity, as well as with lots of fun coloured highlighters and pens. I also had a long list of brilliantly useful ‘top tips’ for getting down to work, but did he want to hear that? Absolutely not!
I do wonder: what if he had a timetable that scheduled his day with lists of ‘tasks’ to accomplish? What if he had established a healthy regime and approached his Matric with purpose and intent, with a goal firmly in mind? Actually, I do know. He would have ‘shot the lights out’… HOWEVER …. I also know that he is learning those things NOW, in his final year of university. I know that he has learned much by not getting the marks that he needed initially. He had a gap year working on boats; he has learned to ‘hustle’ very effectively. He has had to find a less obvious route into the university where he is currently studying (and did so very successfully); and, because he knows how easily distracted he is, he has new habits in place that work for him to counteract this (for instance, he knows to always study in the library). He knows what has to be done in order to get the results that he needs – and as a parent I am slowly learning to trust him and trust life that it does all work out somehow!
Alexander approached his Matric in his own way too. Extremely calm and never asked for help. He just got on with it in his ‘chilled’ way. He wrote good notes; worked steadily and was prepared ahead of time. There was no fuss, no anxious moments, no panics. He got on and did what he needed to do. I longed to be a doting mother and was completely over excited when he asked me for a milk shake! He really enjoyed his routine within the boarding house, surrounded by his friends and punctuating the end of each day by kicking a ball around on the nearby lawns. And that is the way he is. I actually would boast to friends saying, “if all boys approached their exams like Alexander, these times would be of great tranquility and peace for absolutely everyone!”. Given that though, I had assumed that he was at his books much of the time. I heard the other day that infact the boys had a terrific time watching lots of uninterrupted football. I never knew this then so it was not a concern. And so I will stick with my version.
So what am I saying here – not much really but that the approach to exams for all of our children is their approach. And yes, as a parent we can put into place the support, care and advice that they ask for but then it is for them to learn for themselves. I, for one, am far from ‘cool, calm and collected’. I fuss and worry and ruminate and catastrophise – but this does not help anyone at all. I do have stacks of advice around how to study effectively but I also am getting to understand that school exams are challenges that our children will figure out. They really will. If their approach has not worked this time …. it will next time, and if not next time …. then the next.
May this season of exams be rewarding and calm for you and your family. And IF you would like to give your son or daughter a couple of study tips, I will post a few on the next blog from Branching Out.
I would also love to hear about your stories from your perspective as a parent – and what would be the advice that you would give to other parents during this season of exams?
May all go so well.